There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
