Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
