Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
