Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
