adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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