Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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