my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
