After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
