what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
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Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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