Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
