I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
You took a bar mat shot.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
