I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
