woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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