she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I could make wine with my vomit
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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