I am puke
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I'm passing your future prison.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
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