This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
whose ass print is on the piano?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
