I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
