I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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