Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
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