READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
