he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
