I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
