Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
