my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
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