An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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