I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
