just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
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