i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
