Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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