If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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