I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
