hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
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I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
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I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.