Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
