my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
