I cannot find my penis.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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