I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
