don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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