next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
