If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
