This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
