I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
