party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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