I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
