Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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