Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
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