I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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