in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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