Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
