He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
How does one acquire holy water?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
