Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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