Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
