This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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