so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
