He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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